Scenes from the Ministry of Public Security
Clues into the eventual collapse of Western civilization, overheard from the MPS Censorship Office in Beijing (translated from Mandarin).
August 23, 2021
INTERIOR OFFICE KITCHEN — JASMINE TEA STATION
CENSOR AGENT #1: If the Capitol riots in DC showed us anything, it’s that only Liberation Army tanks can stop a protest.
CENSOR AGENT #2: Gimme a break. Those overfed Americans had no strategy whatsoever. And they had full access to Facebook!
CENSOR AGENT #3: Okay, but we need to talk about how shit like retail stock trading is upending everything we’re doing here.
CENSOR AGENT #2: Dank memes? Honestly the world would be better off without them. Reddit will eventually eat itself.
CENSOR AGENT #3: You do realize there are more ‘final’ stages of late-capitalism, right?
CENSOR AGENT #1: Who left this Winnie The Pooh mug on my desk? You know we can all get fired for this. I don’t want to go back to Guangzhou.
EXTERIOR GROUNDS — OFFICE PARKING LOT
CENSOR AGENT #3: Fuck! France and England just rejected all our Huawei tech. My husband spent three years of his life embedding backdoor digital crowbars in those fucking phones. And now you’re telling me they’re banning Huawei? Good luck assholes.
CENSOR AGENT #2: You think that’s tough? I’ve been here since the 90s. Try Photoshopping out the tanks at Tiananmen before there was Photoshop.
CENSOR AGENT #1: Listen everyone, stop panicking. In the end, it really doesn’t matter — the legacy of this job is that Chinese civilians still think Google is a stone fruit from the Philippines. Be proud of the work we’ve done here.
INTERIOR OFFICE — PAPER SHREDDER ROOM
CENSOR AGENT #1: Did the NBA pay their bill to the CCP this month?
CENSOR AGENT #3: Relax! They’re paid up for the next twelve years. But there’s a slim chance the Houston Rockets might still want to have next year’s training camp in Hong Kong. We’ll monitor that situation.
CENSOR AGENT #2: Speaking of monitoring, have you seen the contents of James Harden’s iPhone? Salacious.
INTERIOR 7-ELEVEN — TONGZHAO DISTRICT BEIJING
CENSOR AGENT #1: Oh, forgot to tell you, Mike Pompeo called yesterday. He said thanks for all the photo ops, backdoor exits, and secret handshakes during those four years. And also for not kidnapping him.
CENSOR AGENT #2: It’s like when Richard Gere made sure there was always a photographer around whenever he hung out with the Dalai Lama. And they accuse us of propaganda!